It happens everyday in divorces.
People expect their spouses to behave the same ways they behaved during marriage.
They expect their spouses to continue paying the mortgage, children’s tuition, and grocery bills – just like they did during marriage.
They expect their spouses to be forthright in sharing financial information during divorce – just like they did during marriage.
And they expect their spouses to agree that they should continue to be stay-at-home moms or dads – just like they did during marriage.
So, for these people it is unbelievably shocking when their spouses stop paying the bills, don’t share their financial records, and start insisting that their spouses get jobs.
In fact, it is often so unbelievable that these people choose not to believe it.
They ignore the truth and in most cases, begin suffering financially.
They run up their credit card debts.
Stop paying their bills.
Borrow money from friends and family.
Pretend they don’t need the financial records their spouses hold.
Refuse to look for work.
And to make matters worse, they don’t ask a lawyer or judge for help.
So why do intelligent, educated, and otherwise rational people do these things?
Some people are well intentioned. They do these things because they believe their spouses who are saying:
“I don’t have any money to give you”
“Times are tight”
“I won’t let you lose the house”
“We’ll figure this out eventually”
“I lost the records”
“The accountant has the records”
Other people just don’t want to face reality. They still believe that their spouses are conscientious and would never do anything to hurt them. To which I respond, “you never know your spouse until you divorce them”.
What does that mean? It means that you will usually see your spouse’s true character during divorce. If he is a person of good character, he will be transparent, forthright, and fair throughout his divorce, even if it hurts when he has to divide his 401k. (These people are true gems.) If she is a selfish, narcissistic, dishonest person, she will probably fight you till the death.
So what can you do if your spouse is the latter and:
Is not helping you pay the bills
Stopped paying spousal support
Will not give you the documents you need
Refuses to participate in mediation or a collaborative divorce?
There are several things that you can do.
First, if you are in dire financial circumstances but physically able, you can look for and take a job. Even in this economy, there are jobs available for people with different skill levels and they provide full benefits.
Second, you can/should speak with a lawyer. Yes, you will have to pay the lawyer’s hourly fee, but provided he or she is willing to give you advice for that fee, it is money well spent. You especially want to ask a lawyer if, given the facts in your case, a motion can be filed asking the court to order your spouse to pay support, cover your attorney fees, give you an advance from the community assets or take any other appropriate action. If you already have a divorce lawyer and he or she has been telling you for months that he or she can file a motion to change your desperate circumstances and there is no truly justifiable reason why you should not do it, seriously consider doing it.
“But wait!” you holler. “How can taking legal action be justified if you are committed to having a soul centered divorce?” It is justified if your spouse refuses to come to the negotiating table or to your aid in spite of his or her obligations and ability.
Unlike taking malicious legal action, which is not soul centered, taking reasonable legal action to protect and even save yourself financially is not only soul centered, but essential. This is not a time to be a martyr. It is a time to tap into you inner wisdom, draw support from your peers, and do what must be done.
Third, immediately begin working with a divorce coach who has in depth divorce knowledge and can help you brainstorm your options, strategize, and give you the added confidence necessary to take action. If you are ready to do this, I’m ready to help. Click here.
This article is not legal or financial advice. You should contact a lawyer, accountant and/or financial professional in your state to discuss the specifics or your case and applicable laws.
Leave a Reply