Pursuing big dreams during divorce can feel impossibly naive—especially when you’re buried under grief or lost in uncertainty. But dreams aren’t luxuries reserved for calmer days. They’re fuel for the road ahead.
You don’t have to, and you shouldn’t wait until the papers are signed to pursue a dream life. In fact, the best time to clarify what you want is during the process—so you can identify your best options, make decisions that align with your vision, and work proactively to structure a settlement agreement or make formal requests in court that are a pathway toward your dreams.
When The Dream Almost Died
Jan came to me after years of feeling stuck. She’d been a literature major in college, had dreamed of writing, but life had taken her in other directions—marriage, children, a comfortable suburban existence. The comfort, though, had slowly calcified into something else. The marriage wasn’t abusive, but it certainly felt like a hostile environment. Jan was constantly on her back foot—defending herself or retreating to keep the peace—and slowly disappearing.
When she finally raised the possibility of divorce, her husband resisted. He didn’t want to divide assets, didn’t want to disrupt their life. So Jan stayed. And stayed.
Then Jan received a serious medical diagnosis. During a month-long retreat to recover, she finally had space to breathe—and the epiphany she needed: staying in her marriage was not just making her unhappy—it might be killing her. The stress, the stagnation, the slow suffocation of her dreams.
She was terrified. But she knew she had to end her marriage, and she made the brave decision to proceed.
Jan was ready to embark—to leave behind what she knew, with her sights set on the life she wanted to build.
Reverse Engineer Your Dreams During Divorce
Jan and her husband hired a mediator—a retired judge who walked them through the law and offered his opinion on what Jan might receive. The news was bleak. Based on his calculations, ending her marriage meant struggling financially for the rest of her life. Jan felt trapped all over again.
Sadly, the mediator’s mistakes are all too common. Too many professionals focus only on what the law provides—not on what’s actually possible. This is where most divorce advice falls short. It treats divorce as a formula: apply the statute, divide the assets, calculate support, move on. But the law offers options, not mandates. A skilled strategist knows how to use those options.
Thankfully, Jan found me—a family law attorney who understands both the constraints of family law and the opportunities it provides. Even when a spouse insists on following the letter of the law, it’s rarely black and white—and the broad discretion of family law judges means there’s usually room to maneuver.
Approached strategically, divorce can do more than end a marriage. It can lay the foundation for a life you actually want to live.
So start here: What kind of life would make you feel alive and fulfilled?
Picture the work that would make you want to get out of bed. Imagine the neighborhood that would feel like home. Consider the lifestyle that would be sustainable.
You don’t need to have precise answers to each of these questions. You just need to open your heart and mind to possibilities. Martha Beck, the Harvard-trained life coach Oprah Winfrey called “one of the smartest women I know,” reassures us: we may not always have our purpose fully worked out. But if we allow the dream to breathe, we can see where to start.
For Jan, the dream wasn’t clear at first. It emerged over time—and with the courage to believe she could create a life she would love: a home of her own, near her children and grandchildren who lived across the country, with space to write.
Then we got specific. Jan consulted a financial advisor and analyzed her options. Based on the equity and mortgage, selling the marital home and receiving her half of community property in cash was the best financial choice—it would fund her move, completely sever financial ties with her husband, and free her energy for writing.
Her husband resisted. Jan filed for Legal Separation—a strategic move to open a court case and coax him to the table. After a year of fits and starts, and finding the right lever, it worked. Within weeks of sitting down to negotiate, they signed a marital settlement agreement that gave Jan what she needed: a clean break and the resources to start fresh.
But the settlement was just the beginning. It took another year—a sublet, the sale of their home, loading and unloading storage—before Jan finally woke up in the life she loved.
If a smooth transition isn’t possible immediately—and it rarely is—aim for stepping stones. Identify the first step, then the next, then the next as they appear. Chart a course so you leave your divorce not just with a settlement, but with a direction.
Rewiring Your Brain For Dreams During Divorce
Of course, none of this is easy when your brain is in survival mode—scanning for danger, bracing for the next threat. It’s harder still if years of conditioning have taught you that your needs come last. And shifting from fight-flight-freeze to forward-moving dream-builder mode takes more than just a positive attitude. It requires us to rewire our brains.
Neuropsychologist Rick Hanson has devoted his career to showing how we can change our brains for the better. The challenge, he explains, is that our brains are wired for negativity: we learn faster from pain than pleasure, and negative experiences stick while positive ones slide off. In effect, our brains are like Velcro for the bad and Teflon for the good.
But the brain is also plastic—changeable. Rick’s research shows that we are not stuck with habitual patterns like chronic worry or fear. By repeatedly practicing new ways of thinking and feeling, we can reshape the brain to respond with greater resilience and calm.
How? It starts with small, intentional practices: recalling moments when you felt strong or capable, noticing when you’re actually okay right now, focusing on resources and support rather than threats. Rick offers free weekly meditations and practical exercises to support this work. Each time we consciously savor a positive experience—letting it sink in for even fifteen or twenty seconds—we strengthen neural pathways that make calm and confidence more automatic over time.
Rewiring your brain isn’t about ignoring real problems; it’s about training your mind to hold onto what’s worthwhile and good—so you can move past survival mode and into dream-building. It takes time and patience and a lifetime of practice.
Grief is part of this work—even if you made the difficult decision to end your marriage. The losses that accompany divorce are real: the life you expected, the partnership you hoped for, the future you imagined. Grief and dreams can coexist. Sometimes you need a season of rest before growth becomes possible. I’ve written more about navigating divorce grief and loss, and about “wintering”—the necessary season of rest that often precedes new beginnings.
Pursuing Big Dreams During Divorce Starts With Self-Compassion
When we feel lost, fearful, and powerless, it’s tempting to grasp at anything that soothes—alcohol, punishing exercise, berating ourselves, or endlessly recounting our pain to anyone who’ll listen. These may provide temporary relief, but they won’t heal our hearts or help us think clearly about our futures.
To move through loss and feelings of failure, we must cultivate what Buddhist tradition calls Metta—lovingkindness—or in Western terms, self-compassion. True solace comes through self-acceptance, forgiveness, and treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we’d offer a dear friend.
Self-compassion, as psychologist Kristin Neff defines it, has three components: mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity. Common humanity is the recognition that suffering and personal failure are part of the shared human experience—not evidence that something is uniquely wrong with us. When we realize others have faced similar struggles, we stop feeling isolated in our pain. We’re not uniquely flawed. We’re human.
This isn’t soft advice. It’s practical. Research shows that self-compassion reduces anxiety, improves decision-making, and increases resilience—exactly what you need when navigating divorce.
You Don’t Have To Do This Alone
Research shows that feeling connected to others—even imagining that connection—stimulates the release of oxytocin, creating real feelings of safety and well-being. You don’t have to go through this alone, and you shouldn’t. Support might come from friends, family, a therapist, a spiritual community, or even an online group of people navigating similar terrain. Kristin Neff, whose research on self-compassion we discussed earlier, offers a self-compassion community for ongoing connection and practice.
Jan leaned on her children, her friends, and eventually a compassionate lawyer who helped her lay the foundation for her dreams during the legal process itself. In Buddhist tradition, this supportive community is called sangha—and research confirms its power.
You can find that support too—through spiritual centers, retreats, support groups, therapy, and a compassionate legal team.
If your spouse makes even imagining a future feel dangerous—if you’re dealing with manipulation, control, or high-conflict behavior—dreaming isn’t naive. It’s essential. But you’ll need specialized support. I’ve written about navigating divorce with a narcissistic spouse, including strategies for protecting yourself while still moving toward the life you want.
Who Do You Want To Become?
Once you can glimpse possibility instead of hyper-vigilantly scanning for threats, a quieter question emerges: Who do I want to become?
This isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about asking different questions—and giving yourself permission to explore.
Start with your core values. Values aren’t goals—goals are desired outcomes. Values are an intrinsic part of who you are. What matters most? Security? Independence? Integrity? Connection with your children? Creative fulfillment? If you don’t define your values clearly, you risk drifting through divorce, swayed by external pressures and other people’s agendas. Learning to connect with your true self during divorce through meditation can help you cut through the noise and hear what matters most.
During divorce, heroism isn’t about grand gestures. It’s about choosing yourself—perhaps for the first time in years. This can feel uncomfortable; many of us were taught that self-consideration is selfish. But you cannot build a future while running on empty.
Your values tell you who you are. Your dreams are visions for the life you want to lead—your North Star. Who you want to become is the person who honors both.
With your values clear, ask: What would honoring them actually require? If independence is essential, what does that mean for housing? If security matters most, what financial structure would provide it?
Then triage your vision: What do you need in the next six months to feel stable? Where do you want to be in two to three years? What does a thriving life look like in ten?
You don’t need a detailed plan. You need clarity about direction—so that when decisions arise, you have a compass.
From Paralysis To Possibility
Jan’s story isn’t unusual. I’ve helped many clients move from paralysis to possibility—from fear to flourishing.
Jan almost stayed—the cost of leaving felt unbearable. But the cost of remaining became greater still. So she took the risk.
Today, she’s thriving on her tree-lined street, investing in her future, and writing again. The path wasn’t easy, but it was worth pursuing.
Your path may not be easy either. But your dreams are worth pursuing.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
— Anaïs Nin
