When we lose someone we love – whether through death or divorce – the pain can feel overwhelming. Grief and loss of a spouse to divorce shakes the foundation of our world, challenging everything we thought we knew about life and our place in it.
What is Grief?
Grief is our natural response to loss, manifesting in many ways. It can leave us feeling disoriented, numb, angry, or depressed. While research shows common patterns in how humans experience grief, each person’s journey is unique and rarely follows a linear path.
Maria Shriver, who navigated a high-profile divorce at 55, describes grief as “an unexpected visitor that comes in waves, teaching us who we really are.” Through her Sunday Paper platform, she shares how grief stripped away her familiar identity but ultimately led to deeper self-discovery. “Grief,” she writes, “doesn’t just break us—it breaks us open.”
Glennon Doyle offers another perspective on grief after divorce, describing it as “the death of a future you had planned and the birth of something you never imagined.” Her experience reminds us that grief isn’t just about what we’ve lost, but also about mourning the life we thought we would have.
The Physical and Emotional Impact of Grief
Our bodies and minds process grief in profound ways. Tears, often called the “storm clouds of the heart,” are just one expression of this deep emotional experience. The intensity and duration of grief often correlate with how we perceive our loss and its meaning in our lives.
Mayo Clinic researchers have documented how grief can affect both mental and physical health. Common physical symptoms include fatigue, sleep disruption, changes in appetite, and even a temporarily weakened immune system. Johns Hopkins studies have shown that the stress of grief can increase the risk of health issues, making self-care and proper support especially crucial during this time.
Research from Johns Hopkins Medicine indicates that while most people naturally move through the grieving process with time and support, approximately 15% of people experience what’s known as “complicated grief”—a persistent form of intense grief that may require the assistance of professionals.
Buddhist Wisdom on Loss
Buddhist philosophy offers valuable insights into grief, teaching that suffering (“dukkha”) often comes from resisting the natural impermanence of life. This resistance manifests in our desperate attempts to hold onto people, relationships, and moments that are inherently transient. However, grief can also become a powerful catalyst for awakening and personal transformation.
The Buddha taught that attachment—our tendency to cling to people, experiences, and even our identity—creates the conditions for grief. Yet this teaching isn’t meant to discourage loving or forming deep connections. Instead, it invites us to love fully while accepting the fundamental truth that all things change.
In Buddhist practice, we learn to meet grief with mindful awareness rather than resistance. When we allow ourselves to feel the full depth of our loss while maintaining awareness of its changing nature, we begin to discover what Buddhists call “the wisdom of impermanence.” Through this acceptance, we can begin to transform our relationship with grief from one of pure suffering to one that includes moments of peace, understanding, and even growth.
Many Buddhist practitioners speak of finding a deeper appreciation for life through their experience of loss. By facing impermanence directly, we often discover a heightened awareness of the preciousness of each moment and each connection, leading to what Buddhists call “tender heart”—a state of being that remains open to life’s experiences, both painful and joyful.
Moving Forward
Supporting yourself through grief involves developing personal healing practices, creating dedicated spaces for processing emotions, and building a network of supportive people. According to Mayo Clinic’s grief counseling research, developing a support system is crucial for healing. Studies show that combining professional help with personal coping strategies leads to better outcomes. Johns Hopkins research emphasizes the importance of maintaining routine health care during periods of grief, as the physical and emotional stress can impact overall wellness.
When grief clouds your thinking during divorce, having an experienced, compassionate attorney can provide essential clarity and structure. An attorney who understands the interconnection between emotional healing and legal proceedings can help you identify which decisions need immediate attention and which can wait. Through focused legal guidance, you can better understand your options and make informed choices while honoring your grieving process. If grief is affecting your ability to navigate divorce proceedings, schedule a California family law consulting and legal strategy session to create a balanced approach that protects both your legal interests and emotional well-being.
Resources for Healing Through Grief
Guided Meditations by Tara Brach, PhD
These scientifically-grounded, spiritually-enriched meditation practices create safe spaces for grieving and healing. For those experiencing complicated grief, depression, or trauma, consulting a mental health professional before starting meditation is recommended.
Books That Guide and Inspire
How To Fix A Broken Heart by Guy Winch, PhD
In this groundbreaking book, psychologist Dr. Winch explores the fascinating science behind emotional pain. He reveals how heartbreak physically affects our brain chemistry and behavior, while offering practical, evidence-based strategies for healing and recovery. His insights help normalize the intense emotional and physical responses to loss while providing a roadmap for healing.
Healing Through Yoga, Transform Loss into Empowerment by Paul Denniston
Denniston’s revolutionary approach combines gentle movement with emotional release, guiding readers through five essential stages of grief work: Awareness, Expression, Connection, Surrender, and Evolution. This book offers both theoretical framework and practical exercises, complemented by a free Grief Yoga Series available online.
Digital Resources and Apps
Meditation for Grief
- Insight Timer: Features Tara Brach’s scientifically-grounded, spiritually-enriched guided meditations specifically designed for grief work
- Calm App: Offers a dedicated grief meditation series with tools for sleep and anxiety management
- Headspace: Provides structured meditation programs for working through loss and life transitions
Journaling and Reflection
- Jour App: Guided journaling prompts specifically designed for processing grief
- Day One: Private journaling platform with mood tracking and memory preservation features
Online Communities
- Sunday Paper Newsletter by Maria Shriver: Weekly inspiration and community support for life transitions
- Option B by Sheryl Sandberg: Online platform offering resources and community for those facing adversity
Finding Hope in Poetry
Mary Oliver’s “Starlings in Winter” speaks directly to the heart of grief and healing. In its full form, the poem acknowledges grief head-on, describing the struggle to move beyond loss. But it transforms, like grief itself can, into an aspiration for renewal:
“Ah, world, what lessons you prepare for us,
even in the leafless winter,
even in the ashy city.
I am thinking now of grief, and of getting past it;
I feel my boots trying to leave the ground,
I feel my heart pumping hard. I want to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings.”*
*~Mary Oliver*
When Oliver writes about wanting to be “light and frolicsome” and “afraid of nothing, as though I had wings,” she captures that pivotal moment in grief when we first glimpse the possibility of joy again. Like the starlings taking flight in winter, we too can find our wings even in life’s darkest seasons.
Emergency Resources
If you experience thoughts of suicide, immediate help is available 24/7 via The National Suicide Prevention Hotline – DIAL 988.
