“The moment of death, like that of birth, is our time of greatest need. The beginning and the end of life are characterized by vulnerability, bewilderment, and rich opportunity. In both cases we are stepping into new territory—the world of the living or the world of the dead. The person who is dying, and his or her caretakers, have an opportunity to create the conditions that will make the best of this priceless event.” ~Preparing to Die by Andrew Holecek
COVID-19 has brought us face to face with our mortality and the hazards of critical illness. We may be placed in isolation or on ventilators and incapable of making our healthcare decisions.
If we can’t answer doctors’ questions like, “Do you want to try this new drug, remain on the ventilator if there’s no improvement, or receive palliative care,” who will?
Breathe deeply. This is heavy stuff, and it gets heavier.
Who will make your healthcare decisions if you become ill during separation or divorce and cannot express your wishes?
The answer for California residents is, it depends, but in all likelihood, if you don’t have written instructions to the contrary, or you haven’t revoked an earlier grant of power, your spouse or partner will decide the type and extent of medical or end of life care you receive – even if you’re separated or in the process of dissolving your marriage or domestic partnership. Does this make you exhale a sigh of relief or recoil at the thought?
If it’s the latter, and you don’t want your husband, wife, or partner to answer doctors’ questions or determine whether and when to terminate your life sustaining treatment, act now.
California Probate Code empowers you to prepare documents that expressly state your wishes and identify the person you trust with your healthcare decisions.
California Family Code Automatic Restraining Orders do not prohibit you from changing your medical directives or Durable Powers of Attorney for Health Care. You may also revoke a Durable Power of Attorney that gives your spouse or partner power to legally bind you at any time.
I know this is a difficult topic to consider. In my early twenties, my father and I both received cancer diagnoses. Fortunately, I received an early diagnosis and an excellent prognosis with treatment. My Dad, on the other hand, had a rare “untreatable” form of NonHodgkins Lymphoma with a three-year life expectancy, which he amazingly survived for twenty-seven years. But he now suffers from another uncommon incurable disease: Progressive Supranuclear Palsy. {sigh.}
I also know that if I’m ill, I don’t want to burden my family with health care decisions that may lead to guilt or remorse. If it’s my time, I want the end of my life and transition to align with my values. If you want these things too, act now.
These resources can help.
UCLA School of Law California Medical Decision Making Forms: Advance Directives, DNR and POLST
MyDirectives is an online system for documenting end-of-life wishes
EverPlans helps you plan for death in the distant future or near term
The Conversation Project, Death Cafe, Death with Dignity, and Zen Caregiving Project provide insight, tools, communities, and professionals to make the process more manageable.
If you or a beloved are ill or you’ve recently lost someone dear, you are in my heart and prayers.
On the day I die, when I'm being carried
toward the grave, don't weep. Don't say,
He's gone! He's gone. Death has nothing
to do with going away. The sun sets and
the moon sets, but they're not gone.
Death is a coming together. The tomb
looks like a prison, but it's really
release into union. The human seed goes
down in the ground like a bucket into
the well where Joseph is. It grows and
comes up full of some unimagined beauty.
Your mouth closes here and immediately
opens with a shout of joy there.
On the Day I die by mevlana jelaluddin rumi - 13th century
