Mindfulness in divorce isn’t just a coping strategy — it’s a survival skill. I learned this not on a mountaintop, but in a Silicon Valley courtroom.
My client’s husband hasn’t paid court-ordered spousal support and has submitted two counterfeit checks as proof of payment—under penalty of perjury.
The clerk calls our case. I begin presenting facts, but within minutes of my precious ten-minute allotment, the judge glances at opposing counsel. He takes this as permission to interrupt.
I object. He keeps talking. The judge says nothing.
I object again. Still nothing.
I begin a third time: “Your honor, I object on the grounds that—”
“Stop talking!” the judge barks. Three times. She says it three times.
I feel my temperature rise and cortisol flood my body. My survival instinct activates. Every sense heightens. I’m ready to fight. But I stop talking. Instead of arguing or expressing rage, I breathe deeply. My focus shifts to my feet firmly beneath me. My fists unfurl. In my mind, I imagine myself as as a mountain—massive, rooted deep in the earth, solid and unmoving.
I wait until the judge gestures toward me. Then I present my evidence.
The judge rules in my client’s favor.
My mindfulness practice has paid off.
What Is Mindfulness—and Why Does It Matter in Divorce?
Jon Kabat-Zinn, the scientist who brought mindfulness into Western medicine, defines it simply: “Mindfulness is awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally. It’s about knowing what is on your mind.”
Being mindful means being open to our experiences—pleasant or unpleasant—without clinging or rejecting. Instead of struggling to escape difficult moments, we learn to be present with whatever is happening.
As a divorced divorce lawyer who has helped thousands of people navigate separation over the last three decades, I can testify: mindfulness is the most powerful key to navigating divorce with resilience.
Mindfulness in Divorce: The Science Behind Pain Reduction
This isn’t just ancient wisdom. According to research by Dr. Fadel Zeidan at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center, mindfulness meditation produces measurable physiological and psychological effects. Clinical results show that mindfulness meditation reduced emotional pain by 44% and pain intensity by 27%. The practice increased activity in brain regions associated with attention and enhanced cognitive control, while deactivating the thalamus—the brain’s gatekeeper against pain.
In other words, for anyone going through divorce—or representing someone who is—these aren’t abstract statistics. They’re the difference between reacting and responding, between escalation and resolution.
Simple Mindfulness Practices You Can Use Right Now
Fortunately, you don’t need a meditation retreat to begin. The Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh taught practices anyone can use in the midst of conflict.
The Breath Anchor
When you breathe in, simply recognize: this is an in-breath. When you breathe out, recognize: this is an out-breath. Follow each breath from beginning to end, sustaining your awareness without interruption. Even this alone can interrupt the stress response.
Body Awareness
While breathing, become aware of your whole body. As Thich Nhat Hanh explained: “When your mind is with your body, you are well-established in the here and the now. You are fully alive.” While walking, feel the earth under your feet. Let yourself be present and alert.
Release Tension
While breathing in, become aware of your body. While breathing out, consciously release the tension you’re holding. This is what I did in that courtroom—unfurling my fists, softening my shoulders, grounding through my feet.
Becoming a Mountain: A Practice for Difficult Moments
The practice that saved me in that courtroom comes from Kabat-Zinn’s book Wherever You Go, There You Are. He writes:
Set aside a time every day for just being. Five minutes would be fine, or ten or twenty or thirty if you want to venture that far. Sit down and watch the moments unfold, with no agenda other than to be fully present. Use the breath as an anchor to tether your attention to the present moment. Your thinking mind will drift here and there, depending on the currents and winds moving in the mind until, at some point, the anchor line grows taut and brings you back. Keep the posture erect but not stiff. Think of yourself as a mountain.
When I think of myself as a mountain, I feel strong and rooted to the earth. Clouds pass overhead. Rain comes and goes. Sunshine warms me; moonlight makes me glow. The soaring redwoods and beautiful oaks surround me, their leaves brushing against me in the wind. There’s nowhere to go and nothing to do. I’m a neutral observer of disturbances. Some storms move slower than others, but I know all will pass in time.
You Can Practice Mindfulness in Divorce
When you’re in the midst of a divorce storm, can you sit in the present and imagine yourself as a mountain?
Can you focus on your breathing, return to your center, and become calmer?
Yes. You can.
And if you’re navigating divorce with a high-conflict or narcissistic spouse, these negotiation strategies can help you understand what you might experience and stay grounded while protecting your interests.
If you want to explore further: Teachers like Jack Kornfield, Tara Brach, and Rick Hanson, Ph.D offer free meditation resources online. Spirit Rock, An Insight Meditation Center and Dharmaseed host thousands of free Dharma talks. Start with five minutes a day.
