Pursuing big dreams after divorce can feel impossibly naive—especially when you’re buried under grief or lost in uncertainty. But dreams aren’t luxuries reserved for perfect lives. They’re sustenance for the soul—and fuel for the road ahead.
When the Dream Almost Died
Jan came to me after years of feeling stuck. She’d been a literature major in college, had dreamed of writing, but life had taken her in other directions—marriage, children, a comfortable suburban existence. The comfort, though, had slowly calcified into something else. The marriage wasn’t abusive, but it certainly felt like a hostile environment. Jan was constantly on her back foot—defending herself or retreating to keep the peace—and slowly disappearing.
When she finally raised the possibility of divorce, her husband resisted. He didn’t want to divide assets, didn’t want to disrupt their life. So Jan stayed. And stayed.
Then Jan received a serious medical diagnosis. During a week-long retreat to recover, she finally had space to breathe—and the epiphany she needed: staying in her marriage was not just making her unhappy—it might be killing her. The stress, the stagnation, the slow suffocation of her dreams.
She was terrified. But she knew she had to end her marriage, and she made the brave decision to proceed.
Her husband resisted—again. So Jan tried a different approach: she filed for Legal Separation, a strategic move to soften the blow and coax him to the table. After a year of fits and starts, it worked. Within weeks of finally sitting down to negotiate, they signed a marital settlement agreement.
Jan was free. Nervous, but free.
A year later, Jan had sold their home and rented a place of her own on a tree-lined street in a neighborhood she loved—near her children and friends. She was reigniting her passion for literature and writing. She focused on investing the funds from her divorce settlement. She was flourishing.
Jan almost gave up on her dream. She didn’t. And that made all the difference.
What helped Jan move from paralysis to possibility? The same principles I’ve seen transform countless clients—and that helped me rebuild after my own divorce years ago.
Pursuing Big Dreams During Divorce Starts with Self-Compassion
When we feel lost, fearful, and powerless, it’s tempting to grasp at anything that soothes—alcohol, punishing exercise, berating ourselves, or endlessly recounting our pain to anyone who’ll listen. These may provide temporary relief, but they won’t heal our hearts.
To move through loss and feelings of failure, we must cultivate what Buddhist tradition calls Metta—lovingkindness—or in Western terms, self-compassion. True solace comes through self-acceptance, forgiveness, and treating ourselves with the same care we’d offer a dear friend.
Like a caring mother
holding and guarding the life
of her only child,
so with a boundless heart
of lovingkindness,
hold yourself and all beings
as your beloved children.
— Buddha
Self-compassion, as psychologist Kristin Neff defines it, has three components: mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity. Common humanity is the recognition that suffering and personal failure are part of the shared human experience — not evidence that something is uniquely wrong with us. When we realize others have faced similar struggles, we stop feeling isolated in our pain. We’re not uniquely flawed. We’re human.
You Don’t Have to Dream Alone
Research on compassion suggests that the simple act of thinking about someone we love stimulates the release of oxytocin—the bonding hormone that creates feelings of connection and well-being. Even imagining someone we love with compassion can create the same biochemical shift.
Jan leaned on her children, her friends, and eventually a compassionate lawyer who helped her lay the foundation for her dreams during the legal process itself. In Buddhist tradition, this supportive community is called sangha—and research confirms its power.
Moving through grief toward forgiveness is uncomfortable work, often accompanied by desolation. If you’re struggling with the grief that accompanies divorce, I’ve written more about navigating divorce grief and loss.
You can find that support too—through spiritual centers, retreats, support groups, therapy, or the right legal team.
Reverse Engineer Your Dreams During Divorce
When consulting with clients navigating divorce, I don’t simply tell them what they may receive under family law. Instead, I ask them to begin imagining a future they could actually love—even if it feels far-fetched.
It can feel impossible at first—and that’s normal. Martha Beck, the Harvard-trained life coach Oprah Winfrey called “one of the smartest women I know,” reassures us: we may not always have our purpose fully worked out. But if we allow the dream to breathe, we can see where to start.
I help clients find that starting point by asking: What kind of work would make you want to get out of bed? What neighborhood would feel like home? Then we focus on reverse engineering those answers into the settlement—so the legal process serves the life they’re building, not just the one they’re leaving.
For Jan, the dream was clear: a home of her own, near family, with space to write. We aimed for a settlement that made that stepping stone possible.
If a smooth transition to the dream life isn’t possible immediately, we aim for a stepping stone. What’s the first step on the pathway toward that future? And then the next? We build a roadmap—so you leave the divorce not just with a settlement, but with a direction.
Of course, none of this is easy when your brain is in survival mode—scanning for danger, bracing for the next threat. And shifting from fight-flight-freeze to forward-moving dream-builder mode takes more than just a positive attitude. It requires us to rewire our brains.
Rewire Your Brain to Pursue Your Dreams During Divorce
Neuropsychologist Rick Hanson has devoted his career to showing how we can change our brains for the better. The challenge, he explains, is that our brains are wired for negativity: we learn faster from pain than pleasure, and negative experiences stick while positive ones slide off. In effect, our brains are like Velcro for the bad and Teflon for the good.
But the brain is also plastic—changeable. Hanson’s research shows that we are not stuck with habitual patterns like chronic worry or fear. By repeatedly practicing new ways of thinking and feeling, we can reshape the brain to respond with greater resilience and calm.
How? It starts with small, intentional practices: recalling moments when you felt strong or capable, noticing when you’re actually okay right now, focusing on resources and support rather than threats. Hanson offers free weekly meditations and practical exercises to support this work. Each time we consciously savor a positive experience—letting it sink in for even fifteen or twenty seconds—we strengthen neural pathways that make calm and confidence more automatic over time.
Rewiring your brain isn’t about ignoring real problems; it’s about training your mind to hold onto what’s worthwhile and good—so you can move past survival mode and into dream-building.
Who Do You Want to Become?
Once your brain starts to settle—once you can glimpse possibility instead of just threat—a quieter question emerges: Who do I want to become?
A hero, traditionally, overcomes adversity through ingenuity, bravery, or strength. But after divorce, heroism looks different. It’s not about grand gestures or proving anything to anyone. It’s about choosing yourself—perhaps for the first time in years.
This can feel uncomfortable. Many of us were taught that self-consideration is selfish. But you cannot rebuild a life while running on empty. You are your most important stakeholder. Once you secure your own footing, you can invest your creativity and strength into making your dreams reality.
From Paralysis to Possibility
Jan’s story isn’t unusual. I’ve helped many clients move from paralysis to possibility—from fear to flourishing.
Jan almost stayed—the cost of leaving felt unbearable. But the cost of remaining became greater still. So she took the risk.
Today, she’s thriving on her tree-lined street, investing in her future, and writing again. The path wasn’t easy, but it was worth pursuing.
Yours may not be easy either. But your dreams are worth pursuing.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
— Anaïs Nin
