Divorce grief can feel overwhelming—a tidal wave that shakes the foundation of your world, challenging everything you thought you knew about life and your place in it. Whether you initiated the separation or not, the loss is real: the loss of a partner, a shared future, and often, a sense of identity.
What Is Divorce Grief?
Grief is our natural response to loss, manifesting in many ways. It can leave us feeling disoriented, numb, angry, or depressed. While research shows common patterns in how humans experience grief, each person’s journey is unique and rarely follows a linear path.
How Divorce Grief Affects Body and Mind
Divorce grief lives in the body, not just the mind. Tears, often called the “storm clouds of the heart,” are just one expression of this deep emotional experience. The intensity and duration of grief often correlate with how we perceive our loss and its meaning in our lives.
Research confirms what grieving people already know: this pain is physical. Mayo Clinic researchers have documented how grief affects both mental and physical health—fatigue, sleep disruption, changes in appetite, and even a temporarily weakened immune system. Johns Hopkins studies show that the stress of grief can increase health risks, making self-care and support especially crucial during this time.
Most people move through grief naturally with time and support. But approximately 15% experience what’s known as “complicated grief”—a persistent, intense form that may benefit from professional help. If your grief feels stuck or unrelenting, reaching out to a therapist who specializes in loss is a sign of wisdom, not weakness.
Learning to Hold Grief Differently
Buddhist philosophy offers valuable insights into grief, teaching that suffering (“dukkha”) often comes from resisting the natural impermanence of life. This resistance manifests in our desperate attempts to hold onto people, relationships, and moments that are inherently transient. However, grief can also become a powerful catalyst for awakening and personal transformation.
The Buddha taught that attachment—our tendency to cling to people, experiences, and even our identity—creates the conditions for grief. Yet this teaching isn’t meant to discourage loving or forming deep connections. Instead, it invites us to love fully while accepting the fundamental truth that all things change.
In Buddhist practice, we learn to meet grief with mindful awareness rather than resistance. When we allow ourselves to feel the full depth of our loss while maintaining awareness of its changing nature, we begin to discover what Buddhists call “the wisdom of impermanence.” Through this acceptance, we can begin to transform our relationship with grief from one of pure suffering to one that includes moments of peace, understanding, and even growth.
Many Buddhist practitioners speak of finding a deeper appreciation for life through their experience of loss. By facing impermanence directly, we often discover a heightened awareness of the preciousness of each moment and each connection, leading to what Buddhists call “tender heart”—a state of being that remains open to life’s experiences, both painful and joyful.
You’re Not Alone in Divorce Grief
Maria Shriver, who navigated a high-profile divorce at 55, describes grief as “an unexpected visitor that comes in waves, teaching us who we really are.” Through her Sunday Paper platform, she shares how grief stripped away her familiar identity but ultimately led to deeper self-discovery. “Grief,” she writes, “doesn’t just break us—it breaks us open.”
Glennon Doyle offers another perspective, describing divorce grief as “the death of a future you had planned and the birth of something you never imagined.” Her experience reminds us that grief isn’t just about what we’ve lost, but also about mourning the life we thought we would have.
Moving Through Divorce Grief
Supporting yourself through grief involves developing personal healing practices, creating dedicated spaces for processing emotions, and building a network of supportive people. Studies show that combining professional help with personal coping strategies leads to better outcomes—and maintaining routine health care during periods of grief protects your physical wellness as well.
Like winter in the natural world, divorce grief is a season—not a permanent state. If you’re struggling to give yourself permission to rest and heal, I’ve written more about embracing this season in Healing During Divorce Through “Wintering.”
For moments when grief overwhelms you—in a courtroom, a mediation, or simply at your kitchen table—mindfulness practices can help you stay grounded. Learn more in How to Practice Mindfulness in Divorce.
When grief clouds your thinking during divorce, having an experienced, compassionate attorney can provide essential clarity and structure. An attorney who understands the interconnection between emotional healing and legal proceedings can help you identify which decisions need immediate attention and which can wait.
Support for the Journey
Several resources have helped my clients and me navigate grief. Tara Brach’s guided meditations offer scientifically-grounded, spiritually-enriched practices that create safe spaces for grieving. For those who process emotions through movement, Paul Denniston’s Healing Through Yoga: Transform Loss into Empowerment guides readers through five stages of grief work, with a free Grief Yoga Series available online.
If you’re drawn to understanding the science behind heartbreak, Guy Winch’s How to Fix a Broken Heart explores how loss physically affects our brain chemistry while offering evidence-based strategies for recovery. And Maria Shriver’s Sunday Paper newsletter provides weekly inspiration and community for those navigating life transitions.
For daily support, meditation apps like Insight Timer, Calm, and Headspace offer dedicated grief programs. Journaling apps like Jour provide guided prompts specifically designed for processing loss. If you’re experiencing complicated grief, depression, or trauma, consulting a mental health professional before beginning any new practice is wise.
As Though You Had Wings
Practices ground us. Professionals guide us. And poets—those who have walked through grief before us—remind us that one day, we will find our wings. Mary Oliver’s “Starlings in Winter” speaks directly to the heart of grief and healing. In its full form, the poem acknowledges grief head-on, describing the struggle to move beyond loss. But it transforms, like grief itself can, into an aspiration for renewal:
Ah, world, what lessons you prepare for us,
even in the leafless winter,
even in the ashy city.
I am thinking now of grief, and of getting past it;
I feel my boots trying to leave the ground,
I feel my heart pumping hard. I want to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings. ~Mary Oliver
When Oliver writes about wanting to be “light and frolicsome” and “afraid of nothing, as though I had wings,” she captures that pivotal moment in grief when we first glimpse the possibility of joy again. Like the starlings taking flight in winter, we too can find our wings even in life’s darkest seasons.
Emergency Resources
If your grief feels intolerable and you experience thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please seek immediate help from a friend, family member, doctor, therapist, or The National Suicide Prevention Hotline – DIAL 988.
